Report: Bill Gates has been stealing neighbor’s USA Today since 1997.
MEDINA—Former Microsoft CEO and one time philanthropist Bill Gates has been stealing his next door neighbor’s copy of USA Today since 1997, a local police report has revealed. Gates’ neighbor, a millionaire (though impoverished by comparison), noticed the paper’s conspicuous absence back in 1997 when he began paying a $195.00 annual fee to have it delivered to his door. “I assumed the error lay with the newspaper,” the neighbor explained. “When you have one of the greatest philanthropists who ever lived next door, you assume it was the newspaper.” But it wasn’t.
After a fourteenth consecutive year without his paper, the neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, installed security cameras in his front yard. ”I wanted to make sure it wasn’t some punk kid, or an animal that just happened to live a really long time,” he added. Hours after its installation, the camera picked up something unexpected. “I must have checked and rechecked twenty-five times to make sure. But it was Gates.” Like clockwork, the billionaire arrived in a bathrobe at his neighbor’s doorstep each morning at 4:45, grabbing the newspaper and spitting on the front porch. “You think you know a guy,” the neighbor quipped as he shook his head. Experts suggest that Gates’ fall from grace likely aligns with the failure of his former company to make anything anybody wants.
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Report: Top level Kodak executives discovered living in the year 2005.
H.G. Wells enthusiasts are doubling over with excitement as a report detailing the whereabouts of Kodak’s top level executives was made public today. According to the report, nearly all of Kodak’s highest paid executives are currently living and working in the year 2005. “This is exactly what H.G. Wells wrote about in The Time Machine,” an amateur science fiction blogger wrote us in an email. “Well, I think it is. I did a book report on it in the third grade. It’s hard to remember.” Financial analysts following Kodak’s recent troubles say they’re not surprised. “A company as innovative as Kodak can’t be so many years behind its competitors without supernatural forces at work,” one analyst told us on a phone interview. “The financial community has been baffled for years. I mean… how can you possibly expect to sell garbage point-and-shoot digital cameras in 2012?” A spokesman for Kodak added that the executives likely think they’re doing very well. Attempts to contact Kodak’s CEO for comment through the mailbox from that c-grade Keanu Reeves movie about time travel have been unsuccessful.
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Why We Don’t Go To Times Square: The Dumpling Problem
The Rickshaw Dumpling truck is a lot of things. It’s a truck, for certain. It’s a place to eat, a place to sit near… the comprehensive list of its positive qualities. Rickshaw operates and sells its dumplings at exorbitant prices ($6 for six) with full knowledge of the countless sea of competing dumpling joints in the city that put it to shame in every way ($1 for five dumplings at Prosperity, anyone?). Normally, under the wonderful umbrella of capitalism, Rickshaw would, and should, be doomed. Luckily for them, though, Times Square does not exist in our reality. It is a dimension of $16 Applebee’s hamburgers, of $5 Super Pretzels, and, unfortunately, $6 pockets of meat. Using the Theory of Times Square, which suggests that what is 5 for $1 elsewhere is $5 for 1 here, Rickshaw makes a killing. And so will I… when I open Luke’s No. 2 Pencil truck, selling sticks of graphite at the Times Square Theory-friendly price of $20 for 1.
Why We Don’t Go To Times Square: The Food Cart Problem
The ‘food cart’ scene in New York City arguably boasts some of the most delicious and exciting edible offerings on the island. From Luke’s Lobster to Korilla Korean BBQ, there are few misses. Hike up seventh avenue towards the 40’s, however, and the dynamic quickly changes. The speciality trucks disappear, the regular lines around the block disappear… even the Halal carts disappear. Times Square is left with the spoils… pretzel and hot dog carts. Doubtless that the kids will beg you for a pretzel, and doubtless that you’ll oblige, despite the inane price, to keep them publicly non-humiliating. Just remind them that you probably won’t be able to afford Christmas presents this year.
Why We Don’t Go To Times Square: The Pizza Problem.
New York at large is a pizza Mecca. Whether you’re hiking it to the Lower East Side, the Brooklyn Bridge (Brooklyn side) or the Bronx, a man who loves pizza can make himself very happy here. Times Square, on the other hand, is not. Unless you’re Sarah Palin (or, unfortunately for New York, the Donald), there is little ‘New York’ pizza to be found here. In fact, there’s pretty much just Sbarro (oh yes… the ‘pizza’ joint you remember from every seedy rest stop you’ve ever been in). Feel free to ask for a knife and fork here. They know you’re not a New Yorker.
Why We Don’t Go To Times Square: The Walking Ad Problem.
If you make it through Times Square without being forced to sell every bit of gold you’re wearing for a fraction of its worth to a ‘we buy gold’ walker on the sidewalks, you’ve done well in Manhattan. Trouble is, it’s not just the modern day 49ers you need to worry about. Restaurants and fast food joints alike are almost always represented in the form of a living person in Times Square, and their signs promising ‘amazing deals’ and ‘discount meals’ are often riddled with lies. Most noteworthy? Subway. If you’re going to spend millions and millions of dollars over several years to drill into our heads the knowledge of your $5 foot longs, please don’t insult us by claiming it a ‘special.’
Why We Don’t Go To Times Square: The ‘Professional’ Photographer Problem.
In Times Square, everybody (literally… everybody) is a professional photographer. Whether laying on the ground to get the ‘perfect angle’ of those neon signs everybody who ever existed has also taken a picture of, or throwing up the ‘peace sign’ in front of the NYPD building, Times Square patrons always never cease to get their fill of film. Aside from making walking extremely difficult, if not impossible, these ‘stop. snap. go. stop. snap. go.’ photographers make us feel, well, really badly about ourselves. After all, even the nine year olds have better cameras than we ever will.
Why We Don’t Go To Times Square: The Luggage Problem.
I understand the people who add Times Square to their list of things to see on a trip to NY. I did it myself as a boy. What I do not understand, however, is the need for people to go before they even check into their hotel/hostel to unpack their things. On a walk through Times Square, you’ll likely see between twenty and thirty pieces of luggage, four or five of which will slam into your achilles heel. Times Square isn’t going anywhere. You have time to go put your stuff away. Nothing ever closes. It’s never dark. You have time. If you’re literally sleeping in the middle of Times Square, though, like this couple… well, you’re fine. Sorry to disturb you.
Why We Don’t Go To Times Square: The T-Shirt Problem.
In Times Square, everything is supposed to be more expensive. The soft pretzel that you could buy for $.75 back home that you could buy for $3 in the Flatiron district should run you about $6 on 42nd st. Yes, everything is more expensive… everything but T-Shirts. Trying to figure out how any man sells a T-Shirt for the price of an off brand bottle of water without the involvement of children in some dream-crushing foreign factory turned up few answers. Everyone gets the benefit of the doubt, though, so I’ll assume the t-shirts are just all made out of wood pulp. Good luck getting them through a wash and dry cycle.
Why We Don’t Go To Times Square: The Elmo(s) Problem.
Imagine you’re a six-year old child, impressionable in all manner of ways to the world around you. Your mother comes home from work, like she does every other day. This time, however, she brings another woman home with her… a woman who looks identical to her. She tells you, “Oh honey, this is your mom, too. Why don’t you go give her a kiss?” Are you ruined for life? You bet. Well, that’s essentially what you’re doing when you bring your children to Times Square. Wait’ll you try explaining to your kids how it is that two Elmo’s exist. Godspeed.